I am. Whatever you say I am. Wait, no. You probably don't know me at all.

It's 11 o'clock and this might be the first time I feel like I've been able to relax and breathe in days. No explanation, no excuses, no pity-party. It is the life I lead and am happy, blessed, to lead it. Others don't understand. My large family doesn't look like other large families. We're a blended large family. It requires more juggling of time and resources. I often struggle with certain aspects of it, like some of the kids being in government schools, when we are a homeschool family. It's NOT just an educational choice. It's a way of life. It's a chosen lifestyle. Being a homeschool family when some of your family is left out of that is a constant, daily heartbeak. That's just one of our unique challenges. I built a complicated life. I was born into one, and always knew I would lead one. The desire to be "normal" left me when I was very small. Before someone says "there's no normal" or "what's normal", let me tell you that there is a range of normal. It may not be one thing, but it falls within an expected range. I'm well outside of it. I don't desire to be part of it. It would be pointless and depressing for me to. Because I don't feel part of what the people expect of me, I feel like I need to clarify some things. I need to be authentic. If you don't like me anymore, understand I still like you. I might surprise you by being a very open and welcoming/accepting person, when perceptions might tell you otherwise.
First off, I have been legally married three times, however I never understood, felt the depth of, marriage and all it means until now. This is, in part, because I found someone who suits me in a way that can only be a blessing of a redemptive God. It's as if he were created just for me. I long to have met him earlier in life, because we almost did so many times, because who we are, at the core of our existences, is so well matched. This is also due to a maturity in me and a willingness to work though even HUGE mistakes, even those considered deal-breakers to other couples. You'll rarely find me running my mouth about either of my exes, although I have PLENTY of ammo. I just wonder how much internet will be around of me for my children to discover. I would prefer they not discover ugliness that wasn't previously known this way. I would prefer they learn all they want to about their parents straight from the horse's mouth. And I WILL be honest and thorough at age-appropriate levels. I don't sugar-coat much of anything. I believe this develops a relationship of trust with my children. They'll know I'm for real. And I don't give a fuck if anyone agrees.... about any part of my parenting.
I've been an intentional parent from the moment of my knowledge of my pregnancy with Violette. I never desired to be a parent, but I accepted the role, the responsibility, with a fierce seriousness. Her dad will have to answer to her and to God one day for the kind of dad he's been. It aint on me. And I hold no animosity towards him. At 18 years old, I was still in the habit of making earth-shattering mistakes in life. You were too, probably. My daughter was ALWAYS number one however, even when I deviated from the path, or changed the path, she was my compass, and so were the children that followed. Because I rooted my identity in motherhood, I wont hear what you have to say about it, unless I respect you greatly. And to be completely, completely, honest, I probably don't. I spend too much of my time and mind on my motherhood. I don't need any input unless I seek it out. Don't hold your breath waiting for me to ask your opinion. And don't try my patience by offering it unsolicited.
Oh, so what you're saying is that you're an arrogant bitch? Yeah, I guess so. I try not to be. I battle it. God help me, I do.
Okay, so you've mentioned God like a couple times. You're a Christian, right? So you believe X, Y, and Z stereotypes?
I believe the Bible is the absolute truth. I believe in Yeshua as the promised Messiah. I believe in an eternal life of perfection. I also believe in an eternal separation from the Creator for those that choose it. Yep, I sure do. I have seen too many things to believe anything different. I keep seeking to understand more fully. I am currently seeking in the Old Testament. I am on the path of learning who our Christ was and what he actually, literally taught. This causes me to scrutinize modern American Christianity. Don't take it personal. If I criticize your church, and you get deeply offended, I'd ask you to examine that. When I was younger I enjoyed studying various religions. I rested deeply in Buddhism for many years. Migrating from Buddhism to Christianity was a lovely transition, I believe.
I am extremely pro life with no exceptions, NONE. Yet, I have had an abortion. We can discuss that any time you like. I am unafraid, and not at all shy about telling you the why, the how, etc. I am well- read on the subject. I am not judgmental. I know first-hand how easy it is to fall for the lies, to not understand, to feel trapped. I hold many a secret of women I know and love who have had even multiple abortions. Let's talk.
My pro-lifeness is not based entirely on my faith. I'm not an asshole.
So you hate the gay peoplez, right?
No.
No, I don't.
Let me drop the bigger bomb, I am bisexual. I've known that about myself since I was 14 years old. I have had relationships with chicks. It's not a joke. Many of my closest friends and family know this about me. I no longer think about it much. I have committed the ENTIRETY of my sexuality to my husband, happily. I was able to make a choice to honor what I believe is God's plan for sexuality. I cannot tell you what someone who is not at all attracted to the opposite sex is supposed to think or do. I'm arrogant, but not that arrogant. I fully recognize that not everyone believes in my God. I fully recognize that this is America. Don't expect me to jump on any bandwagon that holds gay folks to a level less than equal. If you are hateful towards gays, you better be consistent, I expect to see you telling obese people and folks addicted to alcohol that they're going to hell too. I don't think you have the balls. I'm not telling you to support gay marriage or pretend you do. I'm telling you to not be a jerk. Personally, I don't think the government should be involved in anyone's marriage or relationship.
Politically, I'm somewhere between a paleo-conservative and a libertarian. (Someone smart just chortled.) I do believe home and family are the core of society. Weed and the gays throw me out of the uber-conservative club.
Marijuana. Yep, if you are passing around a joint I will part-take. Am I a pot-head, nope. I look at it like alcohol. If alcohol is legal, weed should be too. It's a billion times safer. There are better choices for your time and money, but that's for you to decide, as an adult. It's a deeper issue, but that's the gist. There's no excuse for not allowing it medicinally. None.
I love music. I care not for your movies, television, sports (especially), but music I care deeply about. Mostly secular. Top 40 Christian music is mostly pre-fab garbage. Top 40 secular music is morally repugnant pre-fab garbage. I'm a music snob.
Most of these sentences started with "I", I think. I bored now. That's what you get. <3 br="">

The School is the State's. Your Children are Yours.

This winter has been awfully cold. It's the midwest. Some winters are colder than others. Government schools cancel, have snow days, and make up those days at the end of the year. It's been this way for always. Whenever the local school district changes the routine and calls off for the day, or asks for a delay for school busses and other transportation, a percentage of parents complain. It's nothing to spend time on, generally. People are always looking for things to complain about.
I homeschool most of my children. My step-children attend a government school. This winter I've had to scan the Facebook page of their school to know when school is canceled and what-not. Whenever the school does not close when parents think they ought, I've noticed a plethora of parents who feel the need to comment defiantly that they will not be sending their children. They aggressively accuse the school system of being dictators and trying to control their family and harm their children. This leaves me saddened as well as perplexed.
I want to see parents wake up a little bit. The public, government school does not own your children. They have ZERO authority over your family. You owe no one an excuse for making a parental choice to keep your child home. Just do it. I think part of the problem is that we've allowed the government school to be the default education (and nanny), and everything else is "alternative" or non-conforming. When you have a child, you should be proactively choosing your child's education, evaluating all options, accessing your child's individual needs, and the values of your family. Then, should you choose a local, government school to educate your children (which far fewer of you would, I believe) you might not feel this sort of stress. You might be more at peace and feel more in control.
 I am usually the first one to arrogantly sneer in the face of the public school and it's pretend sovereignty. Not this time though. While dozens of parents sounded like they were ready to uprise in revolution over a snow day, the school did not respond. They made no comment. No reason to fear any sort of backlash against a parent for keeping their child toasty at home by a fire-place, with a good book, and hot chocolate. Oops, I mean fighting their siblings over a box of poptarts and turning into a zombie in front of PBSKids for 6 hours, whatever.
 My point is that hostility is unwarrented. Take a deep breath and recognize that the words unexcused absence mean absolutely nothing, that your children are yours to parent, and the only person that can make your child attend school, is you. If you constantly need to lambast the school for choices it has to make to consider all who attend, maybe you ought to consider other educational options for your child.

Watch this later.

Watch "Donald Duck - Mathmagic Land" on YouTube

Be Yoko Strong

It's just not necessary to punish people for years for things that can't be, nor would be, undone.

Father of Mine.

Nothing takes the place of a parent in a child's life, even a less than perfect one. I never knew my biological father. I didn't even know I was missing a biological father most of my childhood. He and I live in the same city. I've even met him once. However, I do not know him, and he seems to be fine with that. I'm fine with it as well. Okay, I'm not fine with it, but I'm thirty-something years old, I don't have time to dwell on it, and it doesn't really hurt anymore. The only time it hurts is when I try to look through the eyes of children. I see these kids with part-time parents. Mothers that work too much, socialize too much, and would prefer a sitter to the child's father. They just don't offer to include him in the daily ups-and-downs of the kids' lives. I see kids whose fathers aren't interested in raising their kids, and are content with visitation with them instead. They live completely separate lives. Their children don't know their father as a person; they only know where his television remote is and how to log on to his computer. I see mothers and fathers that spit, curse, and accuse each other of crimes against their kids, without prioritizing the kids at all. They imagine pain the children might feel, exaggerate situations, and use it all toward the other parent as ammo, never once actually stopping to think about, or talk about, what the children do truly feel. I see men throw up their arms in disgust and exhaustion. They give up on children they love because they just don't have what it takes, mentally or maybe financially, to live in combat zones with the child's mother. We all know that raising fatherless children is a cancer within society. It's far-reaching and deep. Women own half of the blame for this cancer. We love to blame men in this this age. We love to label every man a deadbeat or a sperm-donor. We love to curb-stomp their hearts for our amusement or pride. We want the child support check, but not REAL support of our children. We don't want his opinions and he dare not criticize ours. We love to accuse them all of unspeakable abuses. We love to draw horns on, and hand a pitchfork to, any man that rejects our affections or that we're tired of looking at. Women, men do NOT have to agree with your parenting choices to be good dads. When you don't agree with their choices, they are still good dads. Women, men are NOT responsible for your emotions once the smoke has cleared from the wreckage of your failed relationship with them. So you can take the "you shoulda thought about that before....." and shove it up your baby-maker. It's irrelevant now. It does nothing but prove you still have a tie to whatever past the two of you had. It's nothing in relation to raising your kids, so stop it. Women, your children are not your possessions or extensions of yourself, or extensions of your self-worth. If he loves the kids, but not you, it's okay. Your relationship is long over. His DNA did not dissolve from your children, however. The balance of parental power does not tip in your favor, simply because his balance of favor tipped away from you (or yours from him). Some men stick it out. Some have what it takes to deal with the crazy-as-batshit babymamas of the world. Good on them. Men are not women though. They don't thrive on the drama. They don't have tanks large enough to keep enough fuel for the emotional fight. While they are still expected to keep trying, for the kids' sake, if we want what's best for our children, we wont make it impossible for them to do so. Would my mother have been one of those psychos exes? I don't know. Perhaps, in the beginning. I don't know if my biodad was this sort of man who felt bullied or feared it. I don't know if he gave up easy, or if he simply never tried at all. All I know is that it DOESN'T MATTER why or how a father is kept from his children. I know that it is painful. I know that the scab never really totally heals and scars over. I know that the void cannot be filled by others. I adore my step dads. I love them to the moon and back, but it DOES matter that we don't share genes. It DOES matter that there is another man out there with which I do. I am very sure that the hole in me led me down destructive paths in life. That is why no matter how much I dislike my childrens' fathers, and believe me, I do, how much I disagree with their parenting at every turn in the road, I can never, never take lightly the importance of those men being fully active participants in raising them. So .......basically, stop being such a bitch.

It's okay if I'm not okay. Good thing I'm great.

I make no excuses for myself and my past behavior. I can't. I've spent a lot of my life being a grumpy, know-it-all asshole. I would, however, like to think that most of the time I have good intentions. Great intentions even. That said, if I am to assume others also live under the umbrella of good intentions and am obligated to offer them grace accordingly, why then do I feel as though I'm still playing the villain in this play? Maybe someone should be informed that the rest of us moved on to the next act quite some time ago.

Who's Got The Crack?

The Moldy Peaches are probably the best band you've almost never heard of. With only one notable single, these anti-folk folks will not be jumping at you for attention. It's art and comedy and simple and complex. Enjoy!